Ang Aking Hinahanap

O aking kaluluwa anu ba ang iyong hanap?
Lagi na lang malalim ang iniisip para bagang na-hold-up
Gulung-gulo ang iyong isip
Bakit di ka kaya humalukipkip?
Baka sakaling sa iyong pagtahimik, maya-maya ikaw ay humihilik

Sa iyong paghimbing,ipahinga ang isip
Sa mga bagabag ay lumayo saglit ay managinip
Nang ang di malirip na kalungkutan
Ay pansamantalang mapalitan

Di mo malaman kung ano ang iyong gusto
Pagkat ang isip at puso mo'y litung-lito
Naghahanap ka ng kalinga sa iyng rosas na nililiyag
Ngunit kahit anung iyong gawin puso niya'y di mo mabihag
Pagkat kapwa ang isip niyo'y binabagabag

O mahal na Panginoon, na may likha ng lahat
Ang aking mga bagabag ay sa iyo ko inaakyat
Pawiin mo sana kalungkutang nadarama
Ang iyong kalooban akin nawang makuha

Anong lungkot at takot sa pakiramdam ng nag-iisa
Para kang inilagay sa hardin ngunit wala kang mata
Kahit na kasama mo na ang iyong rosas na sinisisnta
Ni imik at kibo ayaw ipakita
Mainam pa na hindi na lang binisita

O aking dalangin, ako sana'y kausapin
Pagkat ang dila ko'y ibig magpapansin
Ang diwa ko'y nais nang magbahagi
Ng mga kuru-kuro at pagkakandili

Ang mga mata ko'y nais ng lumuha
Pagkat ang lungkot ay hindi na mabata
Baka sakaling sa pagtulo ng aking luha
Ang pakiramdam ko'y gumaan bigla
At ang inaasahan na tuwa ay dumating na sana

O kaligayahan ng puso nasaan ka na?
Bakit hindi sa akin magpakita?
Nais kong sa lungkot na nagpaparusa
Upang magpahilom sa sugat ng aking kaluluwa.

The Effect has Gone

It has been more than a year since i have taken the anti-flu vaccine. Now, virus has infested me and i am not feeling well right now. Emotional disturbance might have triggered it;physical fatigue has worsened it. I feel very much human now compared from the past three years.

The magic of that 'title' has gone little by little as far as many people would know it. But that 'title' preceded by an 'ex' seemed to have at least little spark of that magic. Nevertheless, a lot of changes have been taking place since then. But this time much complicated and much more sophisticated. But one thing has remained and still emotionally, I am weak. Once this part of me was hit,it is hard for me to recover.

Emotional attachments seemed to be my most vulnerable point that i can't do anything once this things were targeted.

My powerful sense of reason is always overwhelmed by the emotional weakness. It is as if paralyzed. I can't manage mind over matter if emotions have started it.

what can i do?....

Birthday mania

If Undertaker,one of the most famous professional wrestler in world wrestling entertainment,wherein it is expected that everytime he has a fight in the occasion of wrestle mania, it is expected for him to win that match,whatever it would be, because he is undefeated in that category.

In the same way, I seem to relate in that case only in the occasion of my birthday. Everytime my worth would be coming, on the day itself, usually something very unexpected event to happen since four years. First, during my fourth year high school I won the championship for bible quiz bee. Year 2006, first time i was included in the dean's list and I was on top of it. Year 2007, I celebrated with my family although I was still a seminarian. And last year, an unexpected gift came,but this one triggered my exit from the seminary.

Now, the present year, my birthday is coming, what unexpected thing would happen that i expected to happen.

however, it seems I 'm sad by now.

Blue Rose

There are many flowers in the garden
The Lord God has given
They are beautiful and magnificent
Ecstatic feeling when you smell their scent

They are very colorful and pleasing to the eyes
That can ease your burdens of breathing deep sighs
They are the sunflowers, red roses and tulips
So enticing like a kissable lips

But wait by the way, I see something very strange
Weird but interesting, noticeable even at a far range
It’s a blue rose! Wow, this is rare
It is God’s gift of tender loving care

Yes, I guess there are many flowers
But there is only one which is unique among the others
A flower that is rare and precious
So beautiful, lovely and mysterious

Whats going on?

I'm beginning to become impulsive again. And sure there is something wrong that is happening and I can't figure out what it is. Its some kind of paranoia build-up in my psyche that I could not control and I don't know why. It is as if a part of my heart has been taken from me and it's lost.

It in the morning until evening, series of call has been made but no single answer. Then, on line, series of messages sent but received only one. i don't know what is happening. Until now I feel uneasy.

Its like stress building up and start attacking my system. My guts is uneasy, my chest in nervous and i am trembling.

Please God, I know you can do something about in this concern. You are one who only know what to do and how it will going to work. Please, Have mercy.....

Reason to Live is Life's way to reason

Life is really unpredictable, it is so mysterious and very magical. We can't say this is life or that is or this; it depends from what standpoint someone is viewing and how he perceives it. Perceptions to a reality differ from various minds. It is because reality as life if taken by someone is differently viewed or perceived. Taking the Johari's window as an example; what we know and other also know, what others know but we don't know, what we know but others don't know and what we and others do not know.

That is why Socrates was right when he said "know thyself" and having self knowledge is a process, a lifetime process consisting of the 4 windows johari illustrated. and searching for ourselves it is impossible for us not to go out of our shell. We have know others; we have to go out and explore because in doing so each person, place and event adds to the self realization. We know more about ourselves when we try to reach out to people, we harness our abilities as we encounter different events and know where we can reach as we go to places.

'Knowing thyself' therefore is not a solo endeavor but it needs a community, it requires interaction and exploration. And life as it is share the same thought as that.



That is why life continue to live; for life to know the reason why.

CATA rata

Cataract is that white film-like clouds covering the eye, particularly over the lens or the iris only. I don't know how it feels to have those cloud-like substance over the eyes but having cataract in this case are not the ones with those substance.

Having cataract in this journal are those people I pertain as blind-folded persons who are overwhelmed by their position in any institution however, do not observe attitudes and behaviors as they are expected to be.

For example, a superior to scold his or her subordinate in front of a large crowd is not something that is appropriate to do. To be more particular, a school coordinator who seem to find out some errors or mistakes from a student government official to yell at him or her in front of many people is something very unprofessional. As a coordinator you have you office to settle those matters. Place yourself in that shoes, a superior over the coordinator, let say the dean or the university president to yell at you, "Hey, why do you misinformed students to watch a theater play free, then all of a sudden being charged in their accounts?!! That is corruption" How would the coordinator react? how would he/she feel about it? That is very embarrassing.

Piece of advise:
Have a personal check up of your attitude and please practice professionalism.

Dejavu

I remember when I was still in the seminary, during the assessment period, I had a weird feeling. It was already the culmination of the second year and I have reached the pick of my ability. I completed the requirements for school, not just completed but highly commendable works, I have developed my skills ready for 'on the job' training (the IIP)and all the positive traits that can be said to me by my colleagues. However, on the irony of that, I felt somehow unsatisfied, feeling that there is still lacking and missing. The same i feel right now.

I have adjusted to my new environment and the same I have surpassed the expectations and even overtook others in terms of intellectual grasping ability that is due to my experience as an edge. However, I don't wish to be so confident to the extent that I might forget that I am still in the beginning of what i am presently pursuing. Nonetheless, I can still feel the emptiness, that something that which is lacking. sometimes I feel happy whenever my soulmate is exchanging messages with me or when we are together. But when we are both busy, I feel bored, I feel uncomfortable.

If i would compare this to the similar past experience, I feel like another event or encounter might happen either for me or against me.


why?why?why?
why not?


may God be with me always.

Soulful Confessions

Life is really is unpredictable yet wonderful; simply amazing. We can't tell "Life is this." Or Life is like that or this should be and etc. It depends on the angle of which we are looking at it and from where are we looking from. In my case, its magical, mysterious and mystical.

In my new life, as my consciousness widens; as my realizations grow and progress, I can't explain, I can't rationalize and i can't believe new events were just happening.

It just began in a typical seminar. She was just then my classmate there. I asked for her cellphone number and exchanged few messages until it developed into friendship and into a feeling of being in love on my part and i guess growing into love.

But yes, life is unpredictable, we can't tell what tomorrow might bring and shall be offering in the time to come. I fear that I might be hurt again like before and might break me again into pieces if it grows deeper but turn out differently. She has the desire to serve God in a special way of doing it. She wish to have the life that i have chosen and have undergone before,; wherein i abandon it and have no plans yet of returning or changing my direction.

But for now, I must admit, I'm into this feeling. I am in love to her yet I can't give it full for I am not sure if this will last. But how can you something if you're not a hundred percent to it?

Nevertheless, loving is totally different in falling in love. I fall that is why i have this fear. i fear that i might lose again. But in loving whether i lose or not as long as she is happy in whatever she shall pass through, and if God wills it to happen. I'll just accept it. In loving reciprocity is just a consolation unlike in falling in love, there is a 'give and take.' Falling in love paralyze ones mind and reason to think of others and makes the focus only to the self. But in loving, reason, understanding and concern and intention matters and counts.

I know God is with me, he won't forsake me. He is the one who let her be my new inspiration. He was the one who gave her to me as a gift therefore, he has the power and authority to take it back from me. Nonetheless, i am grateful that God has given me a new life.

The Divine's Balancing Petition

In chemistry, (although I don't have any specialization in this subject matter), based from my little stock of knowledge, there is what students and teachers call as "Balancing Equation." In this equation, if I am not mistaken, it is the balancing of protons and electrons and other substance to have a so-called "Equilibrium." Any way, I did not intend to do chemistry here. Nevertheless my point is there is the process of balancing. Now have we ever imagine how does God answer prayers and balance them? Meaning how does he answer each individual's prayers fairly without seemingly giving an impression to the other devotee of being neglected and has favoritism?

For example, in an election of course, every candidate wishes to win a single position. We would have a common thinking that God will grant the spot to the righteous one. But if the one who won is the corrupt one, like our present situation?

Or in this case, suitor one is in love with a girl, then the girl has another suitor,plus the suitor one has a secret admirer, of course the secret admirer wants the suitor one. the girl of the two suitors have a man in her own dreams but that man wishes the secret admirer of the suitor one. another girl is in love with suitor two. How God will give an answer to each of them? If he say yes just to one of them, surely the chain would have an effect and many will be hurt. If God let the girl 1 to answer suitor one, the suitor two got hurt. The admirer of the suitor one will be hurt also. and so on and forth.

yes it is hard and complicated to comprehend especially for us humans, but for God it is all possible. Whatever his way of answering prayers, we do not know, simply He has a will for everyone, and it is the best for everyone. All we need to do is just to believe, keep faith and be strong and patient.

An Inspiring Motivation

After the stressful experienced that I have encountered, my life for me has become so worthless. It seems I wanted to die, no reason to continue. For me I have wasted it, therefore I am not worthy to have it for long. Everything I do has no meaning at all. Its better that my life has been given to someone else who are more deserving of it.

But as life continues to move on, little by little, light has its way of penetrating my darkened consciousness. It is as if telling me "Its no yet the end, its just beginning." It is as if telling me that I was given a foretaste of how it is to be inspired and fueled by abrupt emotions.

Now, the light has arrived. Seemingly not as spectacular as it should. The light gave me a little bit of spark but with a 'dead air.' Seemingly uncertain but it was the light nevertheless. A little flame dancing, attracting my eyes and my heart. It tries to touch my soul.

Going further, this flame is becoming a fire; a fire consuming my being; a fire that again fuels my energy and making it to boost and to blaze. Yeah, I am moving forward, I am trying to make great things into my reach and making it done with no feeling of being tired. But instead, I become happier than before.

Thanks to this fire, thanks to this new inspiration, thanks to this new motivation. with this I am back to own and ready to fly again.

I hope this fire shall maintain its blaze, its heat and energy.

The Art of Letting God

When I was a child I was so dependent to the people around me. I used to cry when I’m hungry; I used to cry when I pee and my diaper gets wet; I used to cry when I’m hurt; I used to cry when mom or dad is not around. I did those when I was a child. As I little by little grow up, things are gradually changing. I have learned eat by myself; I have learned my toilet training; I have learned to clean my wounds; I have learned to trust myself.

I keep on growing; and in every stage of development things are rapidly changing. Now I have learned to cook my food so that I can eat. I have learned not only to clean myself but cleaning the toilet as well. I have learned not just to heal my wounds but also the wounds of others. I have learned not just to trust myself but also other people around me.

Then, development took place outside of home, outside of my home town; it was transferred in a completely different world and environment. In this stage, things were not just rapidly changing but radically transforming. This time I learned not just to cook my food but to work for it. I learned to clean not just my own place but of other peoples’ homes. I have learned not only to cure the wounds of others but as a community and as a society; fighting against corruption, fighting against injustice, fight against giants of tyranny and oppression. I learned to cross boundaries. I have learned to express myself more independently. In short, I have learned to live life my way.

I was drowned in the depths of my own powers: capacity and capabilities. I have driven my own bus; I have become captain of my own ship and have been the pilot of my own plane. I thought I could control things within my palm. I establish a very beautiful blueprint of what I would become. I was overwhelmed by its marvelous but ambitious dream. I was in a hurry.

However, just like the ‘Tower of Babel’, when I have reached the pick I wanted to achieve suddenly it was tear down. The height of which I have reached was the same height of which I fell down. I was hurt but what I can do? I was at distant with my mom and dad, who’s going to help me? Where am I? I was lost! Ah, I just need to return back. But how?! I already left that place?

Just like a child I cried again. I grieved. I mourned. I was so lonely. But a voice suddenly made heard, “My child, have peace. I am here. Come with me and rest. You must have been very tired. Sleep for a while and tomorrow you’ll be home.” It was the voice of God.

From then on, I still grow up and continue to learn many things. I have how to live life but not according to my own way. I leave it to Him; for in Him if I reach what I have to reach, it is for his honor and not mine. If I soar high like an eagle, I won’t fear crashing down for He lives me; his spirit is my driver, my captain and my pilot. With Him I don’t have to be afraid of any thing. And with Him as my shepherd I am safe and sound to reach His beautiful plan for me.

Searching the Meaning

The new chapter in my life has begun. I am a student again. I have been meeting new people and the new people and the new people have been meeting the new person in me. It has been an exchange of new encounters. The new people I met were really amazed and still continues to be amazed the way I, little by little, had been introducing myself. At first, they were amazed when they learned that I became a seminarian; they can't believe I had wanted to become a priest for once. Second, maybe, the way I speak and relate seems for them that I have brought the mannerisms of a priest. Nonetheless, from my own perception of myself, it seems i have reformed my study habits. I have developed my communication and socialization skills, I am more confident than before. In other words, I have grown.

In a way, I have matured. And the main contributor in the maturation I have been undergoing was the previous year's exposure. That year made a big impact on me in the totality of my being and becoming. Yes, I had been vacant of my academic studies during that year, but I was not left with nothing, instead I learned more and it is helping me until now.

However, sometimes I slow down amidst all these personal achievements because I am still finding the meaning of what I have been doing. When I was in the seminary when I still wanted to become a priest someday, I was fully motivated and my motivation was the priesthood. When I left for the girl, the girl was my motivation to finish right a way my studies. But now, I do not know what motivates me and I am really slowing things down. My goal for the moment is unidentified; as if I am a basketball player attempting to shoot the ball without the backboard and ring. Nevertheless, although I am in searching, I need not just simply to pause and kneel down. I need to do something worth while and of value. My main objective at present is to finish my studies and further look for a job suitable for me. Eventually, within the run, I may be able to find that meaning.